Sex...Or Something Like it.

(First line deleted per society's request)

It's like, who honestly can relate to having sex with some double-d fake drag racing flag girl? I'm literally insulted by the trash youporn.com thinks I would fantasize about. If only eHarmony would add a porn portion to their personality matching test, and fix people up with the perfect porn date to keep their mind off of the fact that real girls want nothing to do with them.

Sadly eHarmony was started by Evangelical Christians, who do not believe in pornography unless it involves an altar boy, so I've managed to start my own prototype.

Matching 67 different personality characteristics, as well as 49 different masturbation motions, and 4321980 porn stars, here are a few submitted match-ups:

Ryan Ceresani's perfect porn star: The type of trashy woman who's perfect night out consists of her man winning her a stuffed bear at a boardwalk carnival game. Her hair better be fake blonde with brown roots showing, and her skin better be orange--none of that real sun crap. Her hoop earrings and lip-liner shouldn't be the first thing you notice when her camel-toe from her tight light-blue jorts and outward thong are planned to be the eye-catchers.

Dave Reznick's perfect porn star: A manatee. This woman should be no smaller than a D-cup, and no larger than planet Mercury. The type of girl that black people love for their "fat ass," when really they are just a fat slob of fried mayonnaise balls. I'm talking the type of sphere you couldn't fit down a New York City street, but would roll well down the 405.

Sam Warren's perfect porn star: A twig. We're talking "let's share an ice-cube for lunch" pencil thin. She better have the boobs of a 7th grader and the ribs of a Holocaust victim. She should be as fashionable and coked out as Kate Moss, and she better cry for a good 25 minutes after sex.

Anthony Lombardi's perfect porn star: A girl that's prettier than he is. This might take some searching, considering Anthony's perfect facial features that are carefully sculpted and chiseled to the proportions of Michaelangelo's "David." She must have a better body than his skewed egotistical view of his own, and she better at least somewhat resemble Dan Shaer.

Andrew Moskowitz's perfect porn star: Kevin Schwartz.

Sadly, I leave you with the news that The Duplex will officially be over at the end of this school year. There will be a final Duplex Blog post, an epic finale. Thursday, April 22nd is our last big pregame, so come to 3120 Ohio Street for our pregame finale.

MAYERS

Even with Mayer's eyebrows and Angarano's happy-go-lucky attitude, I never thought it would come to this.

Click to enlarge to read the story's small print or zoom in on your screen if you have a mac. If you don't have a mac, just kill yourself.

Miracle on 3120 Ohio Street

If you enjoyed Avatar, does that make you a video-game playing sci-fi homo virgin? Yes, yes it does. And if you are a girl, you just saw it because you were told by Avatar's 942302 television commercials that James Cameron is an established director, and that when you were in 4th grade all you could talk about was Leo DiCaprio in Titanic sketching YOU naked, so really you are just a whore drone that lives your life the way People Magazine tells you to.

Enjoy watching James Cameron clean out the Oscars this year, and I think I speak for pretty much 0% of America when I say that I hope James Cameron prepares 12 award speeches as riveting as the 12 hours of his pretentious preachy Pocahantas remake. Fuck you, James Cameron.

"Oh wait, Josh, hasn't it been like six months since you've written on this blog you unmotivated fugly jew? Has you're laziness gone that far, that just sitting in front of your computer screen in your underwear has now entered your pathetically long list of actions that you feel require too much effort? Fuck your blog, and I hope your girlfriend cheats on you in Barcelona...With me." - Conor Garvin

Whoa Conor, you're kind of a dick.

Which brings me to the Hanukkah miracle that occurred over winter break. We prayed for this for months, Jonah begged for it for Festivus, Ryan traveled to every mall in the south of New Jersey to dry butt-fuck santa's lap pleading for this, and I jewish-mother guilted Yahweh in a private conversation-prayer by my bedside into making this so, and in a true Hanukkah miracle, better than the real one...

JIMMY AND CONOR MOVED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were hoping The Duplex's friends would be as excited as we were that those homos were not only leaving The Duplex, but the country. We were pleased with most of the responses.

"Conor's always been a complete tool, I hope he finds what he's looking for in Brussels. Which is other gay people to have sex with where nobody will find out back in the states. What a closet-case." - Matt Bernstein

"We always talk shit about Jimmy behind his back. It's not because we think he's a nerd or anything, we just know we're better than him." - Marc Leven and Adam Margolis

"Conor won't stop sexting me. I asked him to stop with the gross pictures because his naked body is actually pretty hairy and fat, but every time he's drunk he tries to secretly fuck me and I'm so turned off by him. I honestly hope he turns out gay." - Lonnie Nemiroff

"Jimmy is a racist. Also, one time I saw him punch a baby at the metro station. He was talking shit like 'come at me you fucking bitch', and then just punched the baby in the face. I think we are all better off now that he's gone." - Sam Warren

"Conor wore out his welcome. What is that guy, like 35?" - Wes Kean

"I've fucked six guys with bigger dicks since he left, and it's only been a week. Two of them were black guys." - Jenna Mizner

Thanks for your input, friends. And we can all collectively agree we hope Jimmy and Conor are raped and murdered in Europe.

That's it for my first post of the semester, more to follow....so PLEASE READ.

Love, Josh

ARCHIVED POST: 8/19/09

A never released post written on the Auto-train down to Miami before the start of school. As you will read, my excitement (peppered with anger) was at an all-time high. I also don't think Lonnie reads this blog, so don't tell her about that joke in the first paragraph.

Alright it’s write this blog post or watch the on-train movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. And if I wanted to sit through a story about 16 year olds believing urban at-the-moment trendy music works to express their insignificant emotional frustrations, I’d just read Lonnie’s diary.

But seriously guys, I swear to god I have the biggest boner in my sweatpants thinking about what this year brings, and I figured instead of rubbing it out on the 130 year-old woman sitting next to me, I’d just share some of these thoughts with you.

It’s time…college is here once again. Guys, pack your v-necks and dog tags, your designer jeans, your graphic tees, and your video game systems for those of you who don’t get laid. Also don’t forget your expired condoms, Sean Goldfaden. This year might be the year.

Girls, don’t forget your blackberries, your backless shirts worn as dresses, your industrial sized hair-coloring bottle, and your dignity, which will be lost with the first semester’s penis you whore your way to snorting a line off of.

 

People, this new year is not to be taken lightly. It’s about new beginnings. If you’ve memorized the incoming umiami ’13 list on facebook, that’s a good start, Spuler. Obviously besides the new flock of girls fresh off the prom bus, there’s new houses for parties, new clubs to be cool for 3 months, new spots in the grove besides Barracudas that Jimmy should check out, and of course, a new living situation for most people.

Moving from one living situation to another needs some getting used to, so here’s a bit of insight:

The move from Hecht to Mahoney is like checking out of an insane asylum and moving to regular prison. You’re still trapped but without the fun. The Mahoney interior was designed to the proportions of Rikers Island, but at least you can smoke pot in the bathroom. The move from Hecht to another year in Hecht is a move only one type of person can make—girls’ favorite self-consciousness remedy—the creeper. Yet somehow through all the shit that girls talk about creepers (for no other reason than to show off that they are too good for at least somebody) this guy pulls ass due to his relentlessness and his inability to fear rejection, so stop hating and go grab some work ethic, Jonah. Either way, Hecht is the best place to live on campus if you don’t have a girlfriend or if you don’t have a roommate like this. The move off campus is the greatest move you can make in your life. It’s your first taste of independence, your first taste of food that you actually bought and cooked, and after a few weeks, your first taste of actually wishing you had a Chartwells card again because food shopping and cooking takes forever and you’d rather have shit for food served to you than the shit for food you suck at making. BUT, living off campus is a great way to get laid without your roommate pretending he’s asleep next to you but occasionally peering over to see how somebody else does it, it’s also a great way to have pre-games, parties, and after-parties and use the secret bathroom nobody else is allowed to use. It’s also a great way to never be seen again, just ask Eric Strauss. Wherever he is.

 

Although a new year brings changes, a new fall semester means some of the same old shit that we love about college. Football season gives us all a reason to be wasted together on Saturday afternoons, and when we are all exhausted after the game, it gives Harry a legit reason to smoke pot on a Saturday night instead of Shakira seizuring in a club on South Beach. Fall also brings grove police raids- the traditional school-wide cockblock (or early nightcap if you play your cards right). Fall gives us a chance to reunite with those who went abroad last semester as they awkwardly ease back into being friends with everyone who forgot they existed. Oh didn’t hear that hilarious story about last semester? That’s because you were off in another country flushing your parents’ money down the drain spending 80 euro to watch Coolio perform in a club that resembles your highschool friend’s basement while hanging out with only Americans because when you actually got to Europe, you realized Europeans, when compared to northeast jews, were creepy, snide, and un-relatable.

 

We can come to expect all of this and more for the upcoming semester, a semester that will be filled with class, tests, group projects, cocaine, acid, note-taking, studying, presentations, and finals. It’s finally time. Guys, hit the ATM. Girls, whore your way into getting that cash spent on you. Miami ’09-’10—why is Conor still here?

Forget About Josh....the Real Deal is Back

As posted on his own blog (http://myrollingworldng.blogspot.com/) the Mr. Nathan Garrison has announced that he will return to Miami on or around October 2nd. I don't know about you all but I'm pumped...

Its just another fellow May 2009 graduate that can pretend along with myself that we're still in college, therefore being apart of the UM college culture.

After Nate traveling the overwhelmingly affluent region of the world that is Southeast Asia, he must be so excited to get back to Miami where the humble, self-sufficient Jappy girls roam.

Once one travels the globe and is exposed to foreign cultures, their eyes and mind are opened to countless ideologies and beliefs, like myself. What will most likely irritate Nathan is that these Jewish American Princesses view the world like this:

(my favorite is Africa)

That being said, I will be awaiting Nathan's return.

Moreover, after browsing through a certain news blog (HuffPost), I've found out that there is hope for my 59 going on 60 year old roommate, Rob. Aging to a "gross and uninhabitable age," according to Josh, is now the new badass...at least according to this clip:

Finally, I am announcing my hiatus until Josh releases his Stalinist grip on this dwindling blog and allows the rest of the house to post.

"Fight the Man." -Frank Lombardi

Your Lucky Day

2 posts, 1 day? Where is this sudden burst of creativity coming from? Well Anthony got robbed last night, which has given me cause to do a lot of hard thinking about just how precious life is. This has led be to come up with some predictions as to where some of the people closest to me may be in the next year.

Conor: night manager, Houstons

Anthony: shareholder, Barracudas Bar & Grill and AOL.com

Jimmy: overweight

Josh: figuring out how to make 54 the new 69

Jonah: gym teacher, Long Beach Junior High

Ryan: homeless

A Comedy Tonight!

So I got some big news this morning. I've been shopping around an idea for a TV show about The Duplex to several networks and we finally got picked up by BET Canada.

Stay tuned for the pilot episode: "Something funny happened to me on the way to Boca to visit my grandparents for the new year"

shana tova!