Sex...Or Something Like it.

(First line deleted per society's request)

It's like, who honestly can relate to having sex with some double-d fake drag racing flag girl? I'm literally insulted by the trash youporn.com thinks I would fantasize about. If only eHarmony would add a porn portion to their personality matching test, and fix people up with the perfect porn date to keep their mind off of the fact that real girls want nothing to do with them.

Sadly eHarmony was started by Evangelical Christians, who do not believe in pornography unless it involves an altar boy, so I've managed to start my own prototype.

Matching 67 different personality characteristics, as well as 49 different masturbation motions, and 4321980 porn stars, here are a few submitted match-ups:

Ryan Ceresani's perfect porn star: The type of trashy woman who's perfect night out consists of her man winning her a stuffed bear at a boardwalk carnival game. Her hair better be fake blonde with brown roots showing, and her skin better be orange--none of that real sun crap. Her hoop earrings and lip-liner shouldn't be the first thing you notice when her camel-toe from her tight light-blue jorts and outward thong are planned to be the eye-catchers.

Dave Reznick's perfect porn star: A manatee. This woman should be no smaller than a D-cup, and no larger than planet Mercury. The type of girl that black people love for their "fat ass," when really they are just a fat slob of fried mayonnaise balls. I'm talking the type of sphere you couldn't fit down a New York City street, but would roll well down the 405.

Sam Warren's perfect porn star: A twig. We're talking "let's share an ice-cube for lunch" pencil thin. She better have the boobs of a 7th grader and the ribs of a Holocaust victim. She should be as fashionable and coked out as Kate Moss, and she better cry for a good 25 minutes after sex.

Anthony Lombardi's perfect porn star: A girl that's prettier than he is. This might take some searching, considering Anthony's perfect facial features that are carefully sculpted and chiseled to the proportions of Michaelangelo's "David." She must have a better body than his skewed egotistical view of his own, and she better at least somewhat resemble Dan Shaer.

Andrew Moskowitz's perfect porn star: Kevin Schwartz.

Sadly, I leave you with the news that The Duplex will officially be over at the end of this school year. There will be a final Duplex Blog post, an epic finale. Thursday, April 22nd is our last big pregame, so come to 3120 Ohio Street for our pregame finale.

MAYERS

Even with Mayer's eyebrows and Angarano's happy-go-lucky attitude, I never thought it would come to this.

Click to enlarge to read the story's small print or zoom in on your screen if you have a mac. If you don't have a mac, just kill yourself.

Miracle on 3120 Ohio Street

If you enjoyed Avatar, does that make you a video-game playing sci-fi homo virgin? Yes, yes it does. And if you are a girl, you just saw it because you were told by Avatar's 942302 television commercials that James Cameron is an established director, and that when you were in 4th grade all you could talk about was Leo DiCaprio in Titanic sketching YOU naked, so really you are just a whore drone that lives your life the way People Magazine tells you to.

Enjoy watching James Cameron clean out the Oscars this year, and I think I speak for pretty much 0% of America when I say that I hope James Cameron prepares 12 award speeches as riveting as the 12 hours of his pretentious preachy Pocahantas remake. Fuck you, James Cameron.

"Oh wait, Josh, hasn't it been like six months since you've written on this blog you unmotivated fugly jew? Has you're laziness gone that far, that just sitting in front of your computer screen in your underwear has now entered your pathetically long list of actions that you feel require too much effort? Fuck your blog, and I hope your girlfriend cheats on you in Barcelona...With me." - Conor Garvin

Whoa Conor, you're kind of a dick.

Which brings me to the Hanukkah miracle that occurred over winter break. We prayed for this for months, Jonah begged for it for Festivus, Ryan traveled to every mall in the south of New Jersey to dry butt-fuck santa's lap pleading for this, and I jewish-mother guilted Yahweh in a private conversation-prayer by my bedside into making this so, and in a true Hanukkah miracle, better than the real one...

JIMMY AND CONOR MOVED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were hoping The Duplex's friends would be as excited as we were that those homos were not only leaving The Duplex, but the country. We were pleased with most of the responses.

"Conor's always been a complete tool, I hope he finds what he's looking for in Brussels. Which is other gay people to have sex with where nobody will find out back in the states. What a closet-case." - Matt Bernstein

"We always talk shit about Jimmy behind his back. It's not because we think he's a nerd or anything, we just know we're better than him." - Marc Leven and Adam Margolis

"Conor won't stop sexting me. I asked him to stop with the gross pictures because his naked body is actually pretty hairy and fat, but every time he's drunk he tries to secretly fuck me and I'm so turned off by him. I honestly hope he turns out gay." - Lonnie Nemiroff

"Jimmy is a racist. Also, one time I saw him punch a baby at the metro station. He was talking shit like 'come at me you fucking bitch', and then just punched the baby in the face. I think we are all better off now that he's gone." - Sam Warren

"Conor wore out his welcome. What is that guy, like 35?" - Wes Kean

"I've fucked six guys with bigger dicks since he left, and it's only been a week. Two of them were black guys." - Jenna Mizner

Thanks for your input, friends. And we can all collectively agree we hope Jimmy and Conor are raped and murdered in Europe.

That's it for my first post of the semester, more to follow....so PLEASE READ.

Love, Josh