What Happens When You Wear a Fedora

A tribute to Sean Goldfadden.

All too often I find myself living vicariously through Josha Cohen

The year has been kicked-off with the first pre-game at the duplex, an evening that brought surprises, delight, and wonderment for all ages (Correction: It brought about disappoint and feelings of self-loathing for the likes of Aaron Samberg and the ever-stoic Sean Stockley.)

This "kick-off" night was a huge relief especially to me because at about 6:45 PM I received a call from Matt Spuler being like "Rob, listen, bro, we totally gotta kick-in this year, you know like jump start it with a huge dent in the door... I mean dent in the night...do you catch my drift man?" This, combined with the intimidating pressure of Ari's incessant naggering* to host a pre-game, drove me to an anxiety filled two hours of getting dressed that required at least 45 minutes of flexing in the mirror and making Zoolander-esque faces** before I felt ready to confront the world, or at least the 20 freshman downstairs.

Yes, we had the pleasure of hosting a number of newly arrived freshman, or those in one's days of salad, if you will. The attendants read like that from the roster of faithful Sunday viewers of that piece of shit some people dare call a show, Entourage. (I just realized we're beginning to shit on this show a little too much, but if you honestly enjoy it you may also enjoy sticking your hand in a live blender.) For the males: with their signature graphic tee's and artistic renditions of dog-chains, the uniformity of this group reminded me of a pack of sheep being lead to the slaughter. I'm glad to see that UM is attracting bright and original thinkers unafraid to deviate from the status quo. For the females: Not altogether that bad, although one had the audacity to inquire if we could play the new Black Eyed Peas album and another group of three walked aimlessly around carrying about them the kind of amicability one would expect from patrons at a theater of porn films.

A message to whoever drank all my vodka.

*Disclaimer: this is a recycled joke, yet a wholly original thought that is attributable to yours truly.

**Addendum: At least I work out my anxiety without pacing back in forth with my hand down my pants, playing with my Charlie Browns like SOME people in this household.

Rich Dicks

Since my internship is now over, ending without a job offer and with a few oddly strong hugs after going out for drinks...I can safely say fuck the working world, I'm failing college this year and sticking it out in the grove for a while. I'm going to steal a bike and ride with the homeless up and down grand avenue. I'll mesh perfectly with their culture. it'll be like going abroad, without leaving the united states and without the jappy girls complaining about literally the greatest experience they'll ever have, for which they've done nothing in their entire pathetic lives to earn. Not you Drucker, you're cool. We know you're just pretending.

If there's one thing sitting in a cubicle all summer taught me, it's to cherish every second I have at college. College is amazing, it's a dream world that we will never again live in...it's jewish summer camp, only we are older... think about it:

Jewish Summer Camp vs. College

SIMILARITIES

- Only the rich are allowed

- Girls are still just as self-conscious, only there's drinking so its a whore-excuse.

- Much like camp, 49 out of every 50 jewish guys are fucking disgusting

- Just like weirdly old camp counselors (liv barker), there's weirdly old college graduates (grutman)

- Cabins/fraternities

- Whores giving blowjobs in the woods/sororities

- Get caught doing drugs, make a sizable donation or get kicked out

- Color wars were gay/greek week is fire island 

DIFFERENCES

- Creepy russian dining hall servers are now obnoxious black dining hall servers

- Everyone is fatter (grutman again)

- You can't just get on a boat and waterski at your leisure in college (unless you are in sdt)

- Jewish girls have gotten better looking due to their sweet 16 nosejob gifts

- Hawaiian shirts are out

- Catholic kids are in

As you can see, there are more similarities than differences...college is just like summer camp. Nobody really wants to leave and enter the real world. Leave a comment if you think this is false and I'll counter it with a rant...im currently feeling argumentative and angry, a mood only Anthony Lombardi can truly perfect.

The most important similarity is that both summer camp and college are filled with rich dicks. So I leave you with something that campgoers and college students can all relate to. 

This is Spencer Acker and Jesse Sherb....at their best.

Check the blog tomorrow to see what's expected for this upcoming year at the University of Miami...grow out your coke nails people, this year's coming whether you are ready or not.

The Gang Goes Live

It's live. 

It's in New York.

It's always sunny in philadelphia.

And it's sold out.

For those of you who don't know, the duplex fucks to 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' on the four wednesdays a year that episodes actually air, minus Anthony who seems to be too cool for anything creative until he's sure it's socially accepted by the majority of idiots. So keep rocking out to Third Eye Blind and watching Entourage, Anthony, and we'll all still understand why girls keep mixing you up with Mosk. 

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is live in New York this weekend, and for those of us that wait until two hours before classes start to arrive in Miami (Harry), the show is unfortunately sold out so don't go see it while still in NY. Yet, it's still interesting to note that they are performing the last episode, the entire last episode, The Nightman Cometh. 

On a lighter note, Les Paul died in white plains today. Don't pretend you care, Bernie, we all know the only reason you really started playing guitar to begin with. And it's still not working.

Also, Jimmy you owe me $40.

For Clinton

For people

For people who are high

Who pissed in the pool?

Hey team,

I hope you are all enjoying Shark Week so far, I know I am. Hopefully we've all done a little of our part to demonstrate our appreciation for our favorite endangered species, the average shark. I, for one, have been feeding on human flesh down by the beach on the Long Island Sound, and I know Conor has been demonstrating some shark tendencies himself, preying on the life of this blog with what can only be described as the "non-jewish" post below me.

Yet since I play "work" at my piece of shit office internship that I swear to god/dad I'm grateful for receiving, I cannot venture to the beach at my leisure to synchronized swim with these beautiful marine creatures. Instead I endure the feeding frenzy that is New York City.

That's right, I only have 9 work days left to complain about my internship, so what better time than on a Tuesday while on the clock to post about why I would have rather taken the easy way out and worked at a Jewish sleepaway camp this summer (Liv Barker, Andi Wandt, SDT underclassmen).

For those of us that have good enough connections to get us internships, but probably not real jobs, can we just stop for a second and admire ourselves...we are worthless to our office, and we still put 100% into our jobs the first few weeks. That is, until we get lazy and find reasons for why we wouldn't want to work there anyway. At that point, we sporcle our way through the days that crawl by, hour by hour. Whoever is still relating to how specific this is getting, you probably take half hour shits just to get away from your desk and you've jerked off somewhere in the office before. That's gotta be where I lose everyone but Schatz.

Internship word of advice: go in for the hug with your women supervisors on the last day. It might weird you out, but trust me, it's not harrassment if you are good-looking. So Mayer, fix those eyebrows or settle for the handshake.

For everyone that doesn't have connections enough to earn you an internship, I sound like a spoiled piece of shit, but guess what, you probably made a ton more money than I did this summer at your restaurant job and you likely have a scholarship, so shut up and pay for my ticket to Ultra.

And for those of you that didn't have a job at all this summer...try finding what little motivation you have in life and use it to kill yourself, BUT...you are actually less of a piece of shit than everyone involved in this video

Except c-garv...nailed the role

DirecTV is haunting me..

For those of you who don't know, I've had my DirecTV put on hold for the weeks I've been down here this summer. Why?

1. I rarely watch television.

2. I'm not going to spend money that I don't have for unnecessary bills, but I mean, it seems that everyone else is in the same boat ... thanks a lot Alan fucking Greenspan. You know, you're niece is a friend of mine back home in New York, and if I knew this whole recession bullshit was going down, I would've impregnated her back in high school and created a little family member recession if you know what I mean.

Regardless, the fact is..I try to get away from television and it fucking follows me! I received a notice in the mail, and i quote:

"This notice is to inform you that TVM Productions in association with 20th Century Fox Entertainment Television is looking forward to filming in your neighborhood on Thursday, August 6, 2009.

We will be filming exterior scenes of our actors walking down Ohio Street ... we will be temporarily holding traffic on Ohio Street from Shipping Ave to Day Ave."

Thoughts race through my mind..."Nice, that's kinda tight they'll be filming 24 or some shit like that."

NO. Fucking Burn Notice....

"But what's Burn Notice," Conor?.... I don't fucking know!!

The only familiar thing about this excuse for air-time on television is that the main star was in "Hitch" with Will Smith....sweeeeet.

All I know is that its a waste of my time and a huge inconvenience when I'm trying to drive down Ohio Street, or a film set for that matter.

"Spies don't get fired, they get burned"